Hello Story Lover!
Today we are gonna get real and raw. And powerful.
I spend a lot of time teaching people the importance of not skipping the struggle and failure in the stories they tell. Struggle and failure makes every story better. Failure works because it is relatable to the audience. Failure works because it produces natural tension and interest in the story. Failure works because it is real and true.
I’ve noticed lately that even when someone tries to tell a story of failure, they are frequently not succeeding. I can look back and see this pattern in some of my own stories.
Why are failure stories failing?
Because we are still not being truly vulnerable. Because our egos get in the way and we hold back. Because we are afraid.
How do I know we are afraid? Because we deflect to easier (and less powerful) stories. We might tell failure stories about other people (HE failed. Poor HIM. Then he got it together. Yaay.), or we tell wussy failure stories about ourselves.
I recently heard a business “leader” being interviewed. He was asked to tell a story about a time when he “had failed and how he recovered.”
A failure story is a great set-up for a leaders or influencer to win. You get to show authenticity, vulnerability, connect with the people who you want to influence. You can bring them on the journey with you. These are all great opportunities.
This business figure chose to tell a story about a physical mishap that occurred to him and produced bodily injury. The rest of the story was about how he rallied after being injured and got through the work that had to be done, even though he was injured.
I HATED the story. I was yelling “no! Bad choice!” while I walked and listened. And here’s why.
1. This was a story about something that happened TO him. The “bad thing” was something he had no part in creating. He was just a hapless victim in this story who did well with the bad cards dealt to him.
2. Where’s the beef? Where is the part that can move me? Where is the part where the hero has to learn something? What can you really learn from “I got hurt but was awesome anyway”? It’s a lesson – but such a weak lesson.
3. You know what we really want to know. We (the audience) want to know how we are alike. Tell us that you are a screw up. That you make mistakes. They you don’t always get it right. Take responsibility for your failure. Let us behind the curtain to the real you!
4. This story was self-serving and lacked real vulnerability. Real vulnerability is “I felt like an idiot. I doubted myself and had to face my own fears and dark, uggy places and secret demons. I had to accept responsibility for the lies I had told myself.” EVERYONE feels like this sometime.
It is the moment we face that deep ugly truth of our OWN failings and then dig even deeper and find our own inner tiger who can fight those uggy feelings and accept them as both TRUE and NOT OUR IDENTITY. That moment, that fight, is the heart of every great story.
Failure stories are incredibly powerful. You will learn more about yourself (free therapy – you’re welcome).
You will learn more about your world. You will build real and sustainable connections.
Here’s the truth.
We all fail regularly because of a mistake WE made. It’s often a stupid mistake that we have made before. A foolish mistake. We feel embarrassed. We feel shamed. We feel humiliated. The struggle is of our own making.
Then we (hopefully, usually) rally, and face the truth and quit blaming others and learn and grow and get back into the game stronger and better, and still NOT PERFECT, but dammit, better.
And that’s the ultimate game of life.
Try something. Blow it. Feel humiliated. Get more self-aware. Suck it up and figure out what to do next.
Tell THAT story. It happens to you all the time. Quit hiding it.
This story, the story of struggle and failure, is happening to me right now. Building this business, the Art of Story Project, has been a series of failures and successes. I freaking struggle like hell because it is hard work and I don’t always trust myself, or dig deep enough or get vulnerable enough. My biggest fear (that holds me back when I don’t fight it) is that people will look at the work of the project (my work) and say “Who cares? What a waste of time! Who does she think she is? That is dumb!” And I let all those possible responses (and they are real. Some people WILL think that.) filter into my mind and they I lose my joy and my confidence and I let it derail me. I have a ridiculous expectation that everyone should love my work and should think it would be valuable for them to do the work with me.
It hurts to put my heart into my work and have people reject it. It hurts to try to sell something and to get so many “no”s. It feels like people are rejecting ME. When I work on this project and pour my spare time and passion into it, I have to constantly remind myself that I do this because I LOVE the work and I know it can help people, even if I have to face rejection and scorn. And I HATE rejection and scorn. It makes me fucking crazy with self doubt. I think, “why do I subject myself to this?”
I have to wake up my tiger and let my passion lead my actions and remember that other people judgement is none of my business. The struggle is real. But I am powerful.
How have you failed? How vulnerable can you get? How deep can you dig?
